dealing with Disappointent

First thing’s first, in case you were worried, I am alive. We’ve been coping with some strong storms on and off for the last week which has left us to little to no WiFi.

The emotions here are creepily reflective of the weather and its affect on the ocean. Since the first day everyone has discussed how much more emotionally draining this experience has been. The storm rolled in on a full moon. Everyone woke up thinking a tree was going to fly through our windows that cover one entire wall of our little homes. The wind was jarring and instilled a sense of confusion in everyone. It made us talk more intense and feel like we had drank 10 cups of coffee. Unfortunately, it was unavoidable.

Once the height of the storm broke for the first time, the moods began to settle. The stress started to lighten up and concepts in class starting clicking with everyone. Everyone started to realize they could be teachers, and that all the knowledge they need right now is within them. We all have the capability; we all just need to dig deep to find our confidence to embrace our voice and personality. Everyone has something unique and amazing to share with others, it’s just realizing that about oneself that is the hardest part. That, you know, we’re not all that bad.

I’m no longer worried about myself as a future teacher. I know I’ll be ready in time, and that I’m getting what I need out of this experience right now.

The weather is still all over the place. It’s been windier and gray-skied more than we would have thought, and my skin isn’t as sunkissed as I had imagined it would be. Our moods have followed the waves, going from happy to frustrated to content to love to “no, but seriously, get me the hell out of here”. Though I find this place beautiful and surreal, It has further confirmed that I belong where there are mountains and seasons.

After stewing in the rollercoaster of my emotions as well as the rollercoaster of everyone else’s emotions, I am fighting exhaustion every day. Who knew such a small island could be home to such a huge amusement park? This whole experience has made me realize though I want to simplify my life, I don’t need to necessarily fight myself all the time. If I want to analyze a situation, I’m going to analyze a goddamn situation. I’m trying to embrace all sides of myself and learn to work with them, rather than against. So- one of my first lessons for myself is to go ahead an analyze a situation, but then simplify it into one word or feeling. It’s a way to embrace the complications of my life while learning to simply them. It’s much like my posts on fear, love and intimacy.

This time, I’ve analyzed the group’s feelings and what they’ve shared with me. Without going into great detail, it breaks down to disappointment. I believe a lot of us came into this experience expecting something different. None of us seem to have been enjoying being disappointed, but most have seemingly learned something if not a lot of things from it.

For me,

  • I have realized that even your biggest idols are just humans- and that your true, biggest idols are really those that you share a connection with in your “ordinary” life.
  • that expectations are not “bad”, but not letting them affect you when they’re not met is key.
  • that expecting to get the approval of one person that doesn’t value you is not as important as a whole room full of those that do.
  • that sometimes your best teachers aren’t those that necessarily “teach,” but those that speak and listen from the heart.
  • that you truly decide what you learn from a situation, whether is be good or bad.
  • that energy is contagious and that we are only truly in control of our own.
  • and that external support is necessary and human and beautiful. And that family is the ultimate best for it.

Basically, be disappointed. It’s good. In fact, it’s been amazing. It’s been the biggest influence of appreciation while here, and the biggest segway into gratitude.

Now. To simplify yet again: I have met so many wonderful people here from all around the world. I’m learning so much about how to live a richer life and have grown more than I could ever imagine. I miss cooking, my family, my cat, the mountains and movement. We really sit for almost 8 hours a day and only have enough time during our breaks to eat a meal.

I am excited to ho home, but I’m trying my hardest to not say, “I’m ready.” Because there’s a reason I’m still here for x number of days. There’s still more work to be done. Some days it’s harder than others, but I know it will all make sense soon.

But seriously, I’m telling you all: It’s crazy how long it’s felt like we’ve been here. Alexa said she feels like she’s been here for a year. Your concept of time gets quickly skewed from the moment you get here, and being stuck on an island makes it even more difficult.

Sorry for the lack of pictures for this post– It takes so much time to even find internet on this island right now, but they will come soon!! Thanks for reading, as always.

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One response to “dealing with Disappointent

  1. Glad to know that you are enjoying it down there. The storms sound scary– glad you are ok! Can’t wait to hear about it all when you get back. I am doing teacher training at Bliss next year so I just may come to you for advice 😉

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