Sometimes you have to be completely broken in order to build yourself back up. We need to be stripped raw until even a slight breeze will make our bones chatter.
In order to be grateful, we need to really experience the low times. They’re just as important as the really great times in a lot of ways. As I sit on this plane wondering if I’ll miss my next flight and as I speak broken Spanish to an 83 year old man who is speaking broken English, I feel okay. I feel comfortable in a setting where I literally have no idea what’s going on, except what the Spanish-Panama-Canal-building-tennis-playing-engineer translates on the other side of us. I simply find comfort in their laughter over how funny it is trying to communicate. It began with the old man asking if I had slept. I haven’t lately, and I definitely did not sleep at all last night. I crawled out of my bed at 4:30am to get to the airport entirely too early. I’m heading to Nicaragua for my first Yoga Teacher Training. It’s January, and it’s one of the coldest winters back home I have every experienced. I wore boots to the airport and changed into sandals when I said goodbye to my parents. Along with not sleeping much, and I haven’t eaten much either. Sometimes when I get like this, I push myself deeper into the depression because I am so disappointed with my attitude toward the beauty in my life.
I’ve had my heart broken recently, and it hasn’t really gotten easier. I feel empty and I’ve continued to deprive my body of anything to make it feel even a little bit fuller. I’ve been smoking too much (Yes, I do smoke cigarettes, and I do practice yoga as well.) and thinking too manic. I began to drive myself even crazier by not focusing on this trip I’m now currently taking. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to learn and grow from it. I didn’t want to be wishing to be home with someone else. Especially when that person doesn’t want me.
But sometimes you have to be completely knocked on your ass. Sometimes you have to feel empty and cold in order to remember what love and warmth there is all around you. Even in the coldest of the winter months. So things aren’t how I’d ideally want them right now, and I don’t know why I think that makes me unique. I haven’t met many content people in my life, especially ones at the age of 22. I can wish and hope and beg for something to be different, but there are a lot of things in life that are simply out of our control. And at the end of the day, the sun still goes down and the nights are still lonely and dark. But the mornings begin just as planned, and then there I am. Tired eyes and drab skin, but at least I’m still there. And at least I have another chance to see the day different than how I saw it the day before. Even if I don’t always succeed.
And guess what, I did miss my flight. Things don’t go as planned, surprise. But now I’m going to enjoy these beers and talk to this Spaniard about how to say Gracias (Gra-th-ee-us) in Spain-Spanish and why baseball isn’t very fun to watch. I’m not going to get angry that I now have a 6-hour layover for a one hour flight.